my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
