At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
