if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
