Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
