Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
