Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
