The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
