Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
