Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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