Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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