I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm too high and old for this...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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