I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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