In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
