How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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