she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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