I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
