yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
