I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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