just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
