so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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