I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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