Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
we're making bets on your personal life
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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