i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
