I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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