Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
