i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
