I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize