When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
