What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
