you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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