That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
