is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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