Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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