I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize