just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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