this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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