Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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