my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
