Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
