false alarm. still invincible.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
