so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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