So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize