Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
