new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
