Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
