I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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