At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
