and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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