do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
