i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
