I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
