I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
me + whiskey = a bad person
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
