Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
